Starting Over

Twenty five years. 

Twenty five years I was married. That's a pretty long time, considering I was with the same man for half of my life before it ended. I know lots of you girls have been where I am. You try to make it work, spend many nights crying yourself to sleep, spend money on counseling, marriage books, and countless hours talking to your BFF wondering how you're ever going to get through another day. 

Then one day the inevitable happens. Divorce papers are written up, he moves out, and you're left with a mortgage to pay, kids to raise, and an empty space next to you in a bed that seems far bigger than it was when you bought it together. 

It's time to start over. 

It's scary, sad, and somehow exciting all at the same time. For me, I was a stay-at-home mom for 18 years, and when I knew it was the beginning of the end, I started to work again. I couldn't very well just walk right back to my old school and announce that I was back from my 18-year sabbatical and start teaching those little kindergarteners like a day hadn't gone by. 

So, I went on care.com and got a nanny job across the street from where my boys went to school. I worked there for a while and then became a home healthcare worker. I slowly got back into teaching but was an aide and tutor, not a lead teacher, but that was ok. I had enough on my plate already and didn't really want the additional stress that would bring me. I had enough money coming in to make it work. 

Did it come with its challenges? Of course! 

• I didn't know how to pay the mortgage, or the name of the mortgage company!
• I had to fix things by watching YouTube videos.
• I had to figure out to pay my taxes myself for the first time in my life.
• I had to figure out how to do lots of things I never had to before.
• I now had to be mommy, daddy, nurturer, AND provider. 

How do all these single moms do it? 

I began to look at them as some sort of superheroes. Now I was in a club I didn't want to ever be a member of, but here I was. I could do it! 

I found a strength I never knew I had. 

I still wish I didn't have to. I wish I could go back to the days when I could wake up and dote on my children, and my only job was to be their mommy. But that's not my life anymore. I had to start over. Get used to my new normal. It's not ideal. 

• I still cry when I have to leave them to go to work, and they are home. 
• I still miss the days when I didn't HAVE to work, but enjoyed working when they were in school all day. 
• I still long for simpler times and less responsibility on my shoulders. 

But despite all of that, I have joy that comes from knowing God has provided for all of our needs, I have four amazing kids that will always be here because, 

Last name doesn't define family.  Love does. 

I had to start over, but change can be good. And with change comes new adventures, new strength, and new experiences. I may not have gotten the happily ever after I thought I'd get, but I am learning to live happily ever after, after. And that, my friend, is enough.  

The heart of man plans his way, 

but the Lord establishes his steps. 

Proverbs 16:9