Isn't That What You Prayed For?

 

Prayer changes things.

I know that. I've always known that. I have always prayed. As a little girl, I prayed by my bedside at night with my dad, I prayed through the teen years, growing in my faith with my Youth Group, and I prayed into adulthood, navigating life as a grown up. I knew God was with me, and as long as I stayed close to Him, He would stay close to me. He would listen to my prayers. But listening doesn't necessarily mean He would answer me the way I wanted, needed, or expected Him to.

Thankfully.

So many times throughout my life I thought I knew what I wanted. My prayers, many times, sounded like a wish list to Santa. Oh, of course I would end my prayers with, "If it's your will, Lord." or "In Jesus' Name." Yes, I knew that to have the outcome I was hoping and praying for, my will had to line up with His. But would it? 

I vividly remember when my first daughter was born and she had to have a life saving operation when she was just one day old. My husband tried to comfort my anxious heart by telling me that there were hundreds of people praying all over the country for our little girl, so she was going to be alright. I knew that. I knew people were praying. Hard. But my response to that was, "I know. But what if He decides to take her home?"

Then what?

• Would I be able to leave that hospital without my baby girl?
• Would my faith be just as strong as when I was carrying her safely inside me?
• Would I still believe in the power of prayer?
• Would I have the strength to ever have another child?
• Would my marriage even survive such a devastating loss?
• Would I?

Thankfully, she did survive, and I never had to find out the answer to those questions. I would hope my faith, marriage, and prayer life would be just as strong if there was a different outcome. I don't know how I would have responded if the unthinkable happened that day, and I didn't come home with my baby girl in my arms. I do know how I have reacted to other losses and tragedies in my life though. And I know one thing to be true.

God is still God. Always.

In this story, it is easy to praise Jesus. We prayed that my daughter would make it through the operation and she would be healthy. God granted our requests that day and many times throughout her life as she has faced numerous health issues. It was easy because we got what we prayed for.

• He listened.
• He healed.
• He kept our daughter with us.

But what about when the answer isn't what we expected?

Sometimes we pray for things and we think God isn't answering. But He is. We just don't recognize it because He doesn't answer the way we thought He would. The way we have it planned out, isn't the way it plays out. We envision it differently. Much differently. But when we sit back and look at the big picture, we know full well that God's way was the only way.

That was then. This is now. 

Almost 30 years after this event happened, I am still learning about the power of prayer and God is still surprising me how he answers them. I have been going through a rough season at work, which began last May. I lost some tutoring students due to fabricated stories that someone told about me. Then, a month later, I lost my full-time position due to an injury caused by a student. Just this week, I had to refuse a full-time referral due to an abusive situation. And then yet another student that I had been with for two years, who hasn't shown up for the past four weeks, was reassigned. For one reason or another, through no fault of my own, I lost student after student. 

The jobs I loved were taken from me. I was hurt. The students were hurt. I didn't understand at all why this was happening. I started doubting myself.

• Was it me?
• Did I do something wrong?
• Maybe I wasn't the teacher I thought I was.
• Maybe I should find a different career.
• Maybe God wanted me somewhere else.

Or maybe, I got just what I prayed for.

You see, being an independent contractor is stressful. I am at the mercy of teenagers deciding if they feel like going to school or not. I have no say in their education, and in most cases, I care more about that education than they do. I was involved with an agency that proved to be unethical and I wanted to break away from them, but would never willingly walk away from my students. God took them from me because he knew I would never walk away on my own. 

I got what I prayed for.

The full time students I lost were ones that put me in unhealthy and stressful situations. I prayed for good referrals and not to be stressed at work so God took the toxic situations out of my life.

I got what I prayed for. 

The student I lost just yesterday was someone who I was close to. Someone whose mom asked me to tutor them privately when she left cyber school. I got special permission to tutor her on nights, weekends, and holidays, just to accomodate her schedule and ensure she passed her classes. At the end of last year and the beginning of this year, she had stopped showing up. She gave up on school and she gave up on herself. I never gave up on her. I never would. But she wasn't showing up, and I was losing time, money, and patience. I asked for consistent students. God took her off my schedule. 

I got what I prayed for. 

So, through the uncertainty, the tears, and the questioning, I remembered something about God. 

• He does listen.
• He does care.
• He does answer my prayers.
• He knows what He's doing.
• And He is good.

All the time. 

I may not like how it happened. It may have made me feel sad, inadequate, and scared, but God was there all the time. I didn't understand why I was losing all these referrals, all these students that I had known for years, and worked so well with. Why, after all the praise and appreciation for a job well done, did I now feel incompetent, rejected, and forced to face an uncertain financial future? I lost a lot of students and I was sad. But as I told a friend the story of the loses the other day, I suddenly heard God's voice.

But isn't that what you prayed for? 

So why was I upset? Why was I not rejoicing? I was not stressed or anxious going to work every day. I was not waiting for students who didn't show up. I could count on my paycheck because the students that were scheduled cared about their education as much as I did, and their parents did too. Why do I have to learn the same lesson over and over and over again?

God has this under control. He loves me and has proven countless times He's got this. My only job is to rest in Him and trust His plan. He is an amazing provider. He knows the future, so why worry about tomorrow? Tomorrow will worry about itself. And when I pray, I shouldn't look for the answers I think I want, because what I want and what I need are completely different, and my God knows that. So He doesn't answer me the way I think He should, because that would leave me stressed, anxious, and upset. So, instead, he does things His way. And His way is perfect. Always. So now, this school year, I will have consistent students. I won't be stressed or anxious every day. I will enjoy my job again. I will find my happily ever after, after. After I let Jesus have His way. 

But God has surely listened

and has heard my prayer.

Praise be to God, who has not

rejected my prayer or withheld

his love from me. 

-Psalm 66:19-20