Forgiving Me

 

Why is it so hard?

If someone hurts me and asks for forgiveness, it's fairly easy to forgive them and move on. If someone humbles themselves enough to apologize, it's the right thing to do to accept the apology graciously. If someone hurts me and doesn't ask for forgiveness, over time, I can eventually find it in my heart to forgive them, regardless of receiving an apology. But if I hurt someone, myself, or grieve God's heart, I can't easily let that go.

Lately, it's been a real struggle for me to forgive myself. My divorce has been difficult to reconcile in my mind and heart. It is most certainly one of the greatest regrets of my life. The day I knew my marriage was over was the day I told my husband that I had been holding onto divorce papers for two years. I hadn't filed them yet because I hoped I wouldn't ever have to. 

• Maybe he would care.
• Maybe he would try.
• Maybe he would change.
• Maybe he'd be afraid of losing me.

But he looked me in the face and said, "Don't wait any longer. I won't ever change. File the papers." Those were not the words I expected, or wanted to hear. But there it was. 

• He didn't care.
• He wasn't going to try. 
• He wasn't going to change.
• He wasn't afraid of losing me. 

What choice did I have? I felt like I'd be the dumbest woman on the face of the earth to stay after that. He obviously wasn't going to fight for us. Who would stay in a marriage after their husband essentially told them they weren't worth the effort? I felt I had no other option. 

I filed the papers.

The next few months were turbulent. Arguments. Moving him out. Splitting the bills. Changing my name. Negotiating. Settling. 

And then it happened. Two years later, I got the papers in the mail. I thought I'd be happy it was finally over. I had heard of women throwing divorce parties. I pictured myself celebrating this day with my girlfriends. It was the day I was waiting for. Free to finally live the life I deserved. One where I felt safe, valued, and cherished instead of disregarded, ignored, and lonely. I'd have a chance at love again, and maybe get it right this time. But that was not at all how I felt when I opened the papers with the words Dissolution of Marriage at the top of the page.

• I walked out onto my deck.
• I looked up.
• I said, "I'm sorry Lord."
• And I cried. 

I cried for four days.

I didn't react at all how I thought I would. Why was I even crying? I didn't want to be in that loveless marriage anymore. I didn't want to sleep alone and cry myself to sleep anymore. I didn't want to feel alone anymore, coexisting with a husband who didn't see me. 

But I also didn't want this.

I hate that dreadful word being attached to my name. When I fill out my taxes, or a health form, or apply for a credit card, I have to check the box "divorced". I hate that my last name is different than my children's. I hate it when I go on Facebook, and my profile doesn't say "married" like all my friends. I hate splitting time on holidays. I hate that my kids will all move away one day, and I won't have my husband to rediscover and have "our time" together. I hate that when my children have children of their own, we won't share a home, where they can visit Grandma and Grandpa at the same time.

• He told me not to wait. Didn't he? 
• He said he would never change. Right? 
• He pushed me to file the papers. True or false?

Then why do I feel so guilty?

Because it wasn't supposed to be this way. Maybe I should have "looked dumb" and stayed. Maybe he would have changed. Maybe even though the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, this time would be different, and we wouldn't be just another statistic. Maybe even though I'd been waiting for 25 years for him to love me the way I needed him to, I should have waited even longer, loved him better, been more patient, 

• I gave up. 
• I was tired.
• I was numb.
• It was over. 

Yet here I am, five years later, still second-guessing that day in the kitchen when he told me to leave. Still not forgiving myself for filing the papers. Not forgiving myself for not trying harder. Beating myself up for breaking up my family. I see the pain it has caused my children. I thought because they agreed it was time, I got their blessing to end the marriage, and they were not babies anymore, they'd be ok. 

They're not ok. And neither am I.

Hopefully, soon I can work through the pain, the guilt, and the regret, but for now, all I can do is move forward. Extend a hand to their father and encourage them to have the best relationship they can with each other. Spend holidays and special occasions together without arguing. Co-parent openly and communicate well. Ask for forgiveness from them all for not keeping our family together. Forgive their dad for the hurt he caused.

And forgive myself. 

God has already forgiven me. He knows my heart. He has caught my tears and carried my pain. He's forgiven me. It's time for Me to forgive Me.  

I don't know what you're walking through today, but if you are having difficulty forgiving yourself, as I am, please try. The past is the past, and there's nothing we can do about changing that. We can move forward and make a better life for ourselves, though. Dwelling on the past and beating ourselves up for the decisions we have made, won't help anyone. Once we've asked God for forgiveness, sought and extended forgiveness to others, the next step is to forgive ourselves. It's a journey I am on, and once I do, I can begin to live happily ever after, after. After my divorce. So I'm working on it, because what a beautiful life I still have left to live. And so do you.

Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

- Isaiah 43:18