How Did I Not See?
It was Sunday morning. I was up until 3:30 am the night before, and I was simply exhausted. Christmas was kicking my butt. I spent way too many hours wrapping presents, which left me with only 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I hit the snooze and slept 15 minutes later than I normally do on Sunday mornings. Those proved to be precious minutes. I didn't have nearly enough time to get myself ready for church. As usual, I was running around like a lunatic, trying to get out of the door on time. Fruitless as it was, I grabbed my makeup bag, my keys, and headed to the car. I hurriedly opened the garage door, jumped into the driver's seat, put the car in reverse, and hit the pedal. As it turned out, the pedal was not the only thing I hit.
Crash!
What on earth was that?! All I did was pull out of the garage. I wasn't anywhere near the other cars parked on the driveway. I was yards away from the basketball hoop. I wasn't remotely close to the sideview mirrors hitting anything. So what was it? I quickly jumped out of the car and ran to see. And there it was. My Walmart order. Left in front of the garage door. Not to the side. Not in the middle of the two doors. Smack in front of the garage door I just opened and drove through. Crushed.
- Two dozen eggs
- Two boxes of Cheese Itz
- Wheat Bread
- Ice Cream
Flattened. Some of the items were salvageable. However, I only managed to save 4 eggs out of the two dozen and possibly 5 slices of bread. I spent the next 20 minutes trying to clean up the mess while I called my friend at church, and through my tears, explained why I was going to be extremely late, if I made it at all.
I was shaken.
My friend could tell. She asked me to still come to church so she could give me a hug that she knew I so desperately needed. I finally showed up, 40 minutes late. My fellow volunteers stepped up and cut the bagels I usually cut, placed the donuts and cookies nicely on trays, as was my weekly responsibility. They took care of what I usually do. They didn't really need me. But I needed them.
- I needed the fellowship.
- I needed my church family.
- I needed that hug.
When I finally arrived at church, I was greeted by friendly and sympathetic faces. I received encouragement and love. And as friends often do, they lent me excuses.
- The bags were on the ground.
- Who would think to look down?
- I was in a rush.
- It could have happened to anyone.
But they weren't right. There was no good excuse for missing those bags.
I was happy I went to church that morning. I was glad I fought the desire to crawl back into bed, sleep for a few more hours, and start the day all over again. I was thankful that I listened to my friend's prompting to come to church, even though all I wanted to do was be alone. I am grateful that I left the house even though that was the last thing I felt like doing in the moment.
I find myself doing that a lot lately. Forcing myself to do things. Training my mind to think positively. To think about other things when my mind drifts to negative places. When I start to remember past mistakes, regretful actions, and times I talked myself into things that I should have known better to stay away from. People I should have stayed away from.
That Sunday morning was not the only time I asked myself that gnawing question.
How did I not see it?
- The inconsistencies.
- The lies.
- The secrecy.
- The deception.
- The bright, big, red flags.
How can something be right in front of my face and I not see it? Every day I wrestle with that question. That day, I ran over the groceries, even though I stood right in front of the bags when I manually opened up the garage door. I don't know how, but I didn't see them. And even though those character traits in my partner were glaring at me, I didn't see them either. But how? How on earth did I miss them?
Was I blind?
That's how I felt that day when I ran over the Walmart order, and that's how I feel when I think about relationships I have gotten into that were not good for me.
- Blind?
- Deaf?
- Dumb?
- Naive?
What's the excuse? Why did I ignore what was right in front of me? Wasn't I smarter than that? Wasn't I a better judge of character? Wasn't I in tune with the Lord and listening to what He wanted? Not necessarily. Sometimes you see what you want to see. Sometimes your well-meaning friends make excuses for you and support your choices and actions even when they're not in your best interest. Sometimes they justify right along with you because you seem happy.
Until you're not.
And you're left with a mess. Not a "I just ran over two dozen eggs, and they're now all over my driveway" kind of mess. But a "I just justified decisions that were not in line with what Christ wants for my life, and now I'm facing the consequences" kind of mess. And that kind of mess, that kind of hurt, that kind of broken, my friends, is not as easily fixed. But there is a way.
God.
- He can.
- He's able.
- He will.
If you let Him. He's already forgiven you. He's already forgiven me. Now we have to forgive ourselves. We do our part. We clean up as much as we can ourselves and leave the rest to Him. We pick ourselves up and start over again. None of us can turn back time. We can't change the past. I can't put those two dozen broken eggs back together again as much as I can't put my broken heart and life back together again. But God can.
So, every day I must make a choice, and so do you. Do we wake up and dwell on the past? Do we spend our time focusing on things we can't change? Or do we move forward, one baby step at a time, walking toward forgiveness and wholeness? Each step we take forward, without looking back, moves us towards the future we want and away from the past we regret. Friends, Jesus wants more for us. He wants us to live a life that is full of joy and laughter. A life of service and selfless acts of love. How can we live a life focused on others when we are so consumed with thoughts of ourselves? It's not possible.
- Love
- Forgiveness
- Hope
That's what He promises us. That's what He wants for us. So let's not beat ourselves up for not seeing the signs, not doing the right thing, or making the wrong choices. Let's realize we are not perfect, but Jesus is. And in that perfect love, we can find healing, and live happily ever after, after. After He puts our broken pieces back together again.
I was blind, but now I see.
- John 9:25b
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